I Think I Will Function Well In An Institutionalized Environment

I Think I Will Function Well In An Institutionalized Environment

I am in shock, totally numb. I can’t believe the words that just came from my sister’s mouth. We are sitting in her therapist’s office and she has just revealed that I didn’t save her. How could that be? I sacrificed myself for her safety. For three years I unwillingly traded my body for her well-being…as if I had a choice.
It was 1962, I was six years old and mama had just moved us in with her grandpa, following her divorce from my sister’s daddy. It was one of those old houses with pebbly tarpaper siding and a tin roof that would lull you to sleep during a soft falling rain, just an old country shack inside the city limits, complete with an outhouse filled with spiders. There were two full sized beds set up in the living room to be near near the fireplace, the only source of heat during winter. I had seen many houses set up like this out in the country. Over one bed hung a quilting frame suspended by ropes. Grandpa has an old chair and footstool set up near the window where he would sit for hours and watch the only tv station his old set would pick up. We all lived in this one small room. Grandpa in one bed and me, my little sister, Anne, and mama in the other. I remember it being dark and scary. But, nowhere near as scary as grandpa and mama could be.
Mama has no idea how to function on her own with two kids to raise. There are actually three of us. I have an older brother who lives with our dad, the dad I get to visit on most weekends. Mama is taking in ironing to earn money to supplement the sixteen dollars a month she receives in child support from Anne’s dad. She gets nothing from my dad because when they divorced it was agreed that he would get my brother and she could have me…I lost out in that trade. I can still see her standing at that old wooden ironing board, sprinkling strangers clothes with water from an RC cola bottle, then rolling them up and putting them in the refrigerator to keep them fresh until it’s their time to be ironed.
On Saturday nights daddy would come pick me up for a weekend visit. I would know it was time for daddy to get there because grandpa would have Saturday night wrestling on his old tv. Occasionally I would fall asleep and if that happened, mama would not wake me up so I could go with him. So, I developed a nervous habit to trick her. I would shake my foot or push against something, as if I was rocking, in an attempt to appear awake. Fifty years later and I still do that “foot thing“.
I loved weekends at my dads. I had virtually no supervision. But, best of all, Anne wasn’t there for me to tend to. Grandpa wasn’t there to grope me. Mama wasn’t there to beat me for every small infraction of the rules that changed daily. I didn’t have to be the mother, I could actually be the child I was. Mama was a full blown raging alcoholic when Anne was born prematurely and suffering from the affects of mama’s drinking. Not quite two years old, she really only had me to take care of her. Maybe that’s why she just didn’t thrive. She was so tiny and fragile. A simple mosquito bite would turn into a massive, pus-filled sores. She had chronic diarrhea that left her weak and dehydrated. She also suffered from asthma and mama didn‘t make it any easier for her with her two packs a day Pall Mall addiction. I did my best to keep her clean and fed but I was just a kid myself. I would get so frustrated and take it out on her. My heart breaks to this day when I think about it. So, that will be another story, I just can’t think about that right now.
Mama has brought home a man. It is the man who rides on the back of the garbage truck. I’ve seen him many times hop off the truck and grab the garbage can with one hand and dump the contents in one swift movement into the gaping mouth of the big truck. He’s strong. He’s scary. She says his name is Junior and he is going to be our new daddy. “But, I already have a daddy“, I say. I can tell by the look on his face that he didn’t like this, but, he just smiles and says he wants to be my daddy, too. Mama snatches me up by the arm and tells me to apologize to Junior for being rude. Of course, I apologize. Maybe it will be nice having two daddies. Junior is taken with Anne right away. Who wouldn’t be? She is tiny, quiet and sweet. All she wants is to love and be loved. All I want is to be left alone.
Within three months, mama has married Junior and moved us out of grandpa’s into an old house on Woody Ridge Road. The windows are broken and patched with plastic and plywood. The house is full of flies because we have to leave the unscreened doors open to catch the stingy breeze occasionally offered during the hot humid Alabama summer. Junior, now known as the monster, is screaming for me to come into the living room. Since the fight broke out, I have been hiding with Anne in the secret stairway behind the trap door at the back of our closet for what seems like hours. The air is so hot and thick it feels as if you can chew it instead of inhale it. The monster is threatening me from the other room so, I know I have to leave my hideout. I know if I don’t do what he wants he will hurt Anne, he tells me this all the time. I tell Anne to stay in the stairwell. She is looking more pale than usual, I assume, from fear and on the verge of having an asthma attack. I have to figure out a way to get her out of the dark, dusty, stifling air of the stairwell and into the fresh.
With all the strength and courage I can muster, I push open the trap door and climb out of the closet. Before I even reach the living room, I can hear them both crying and begging each other to stop. As I step into the room I see Mama is lying with her back down across the seat of an old ladder back kitchen chair. Her arms and legs are flailing in the air, trying to grab hold of anything for leverage. She sees me and starts begging me to help her. I can still hear her weak raspy voice saying “help me, please, help me”. But, I can’t! The monster is pinning her to the chair with his knee. He is holding the old black telephone receiver out to me, daring me, saying, “come get it, come get the phone and call the police, come help your mama”. I can’t get the phone, that would mean getting within his reach. I don’t know what to do. They won’t stop crying and screaming. I am so afraid. I have to go. The last thing I see before I run from the room is him hitting mama in the face with the phone and wrapping the coiled cord around her neck. Mama’s face and body go still. The last thing I hear is the monster telling mama it was her fault, that she made him do this, mama squeaks out another, “help”.
I have abandoned her. She was counting on me and I have let her down. I run back to the closet and pull Anne from the dark stairway. I drag her from our room and out the door, shielding her view of the scene unfolding at the other end of the living room. I take her to an old abandoned house farther up the hill and hide. After a while, I see the police and ambulance leave our house. I guess the neighbors did what I couldn’t, call for help. But, it’s not time to come out. We spend the night in that old house, sleeping on some old cardboard scraps that had been used by previous inhabitants. It was to scenes like this we were routinely exposed and it seems that my whole childhood was spent playing hide and seek. But, it was never a game, it was survival.
On most weekends I got to go to daddy’s. Sometimes mama would make me take Anne. I didn’t want to. It was my time. My time to be special. My time for attention. My time for love, as close to love as my dad was capable of giving anyway. I had freedom. Besides, the monster loved Anne, he wouldn’t hurt her the way he did me, not as long as I did what he told me to do. We had a deal. She was his favorite, his ‘Little Indian”, as he called her. He would bring her home a little brown bag of penny candy every Friday when he got off work. All I got from him was threats. He would cuddle her on his lap and carried her everywhere in his strong arms. He would tell her she was pretty. He told me I was just like my mama. He would tell her he loved her. He told me to never tell. He gave her hugs and kisses. He gave me pain and fear.
Fast forward to June 2000. We are sitting in Anne’s therapist’s office. She started therapy to help her come to terms with the bad ending of her sixteen year marriage. During much probing and purging Anne reveals the sexual abuse she suffered as a child at the hands of the monster I thought I had protected her from. I listen in disbelief and understanding as she recalls the pain of his molestation and then she says something that fills me with so much rage and hatred that I feel as if I will vomit…..mama knew. I had always suspected she knew what he was doing to me because there were times when she would unexpectedly walk into the room, causing him to jump back and make excuses for my tears. But, how could she let that monster hurt Anne? Not just once. For three years. She was just a baby. Anne tells me that on the weekends I went to my dad’s, the monster would wait for mama to pass out, then, she was his. This is more than my already guilt ridden mind can accept. This was on a Monday.
I have to say that growing up I was never exposed to any information about God or Jesus in my home, except for the time the monster shot a man during a poker game and as punishment he had to attend a church for one year. Church was not a positive experience for me. We attended Pine Glade Baptist Church every Sunday and I could always count on getting at least on whipping before getting back home. I was never still enough, never quiet enough, never good enough. I hate to say it, but, if that man had died, the monster would’ve gone to prison and we would’ve been free.
But, January 16, 2000, after years of bad decisions and failure, I made a choice to listen to the little voice inside my head whispering to me, “I am here, I love you, I will protect you”. I accepted Jesus Christ into my life when I was forty three. I was just a “baby” in Christ and still learning His Word when Anne revealed her secrets. On the Wednesday in June of that same year, following Anne’s therapy session, I was reading the local newspaper and imagine my surprise when I saw a personal post about a family reunion, the monster’s family reunion. It was to be this coming Sunday at the park just two blocks away from my house. I was so filled with rage and fear that I took this as a sign from God that He was orchestrating a meeting between myself and the monster I hadn’t seen in decades. That’s all it could be, God‘s divine intervention.
Monday, secrets were revealed. Wednesday, I read about the reunion. And come Sunday, revenge. Finally, closure.
Unfortunately, mama died when I was twelve I can’t exact revenge upon her for her betrayal. But, considering the beatings she endured, personal demons that plagued her and the painful way she died from the results of a house fire, maybe God “got” her for me! But now, God has been generous enough to give me Junior. I have written the script for what is to happen Sunday. I have lived the events over and over in my mind:
1. To be able to get to the park on Sunday morning. I will have to tell my husband a little white lie, that I am sick and will have to miss church. I regret this, but it is for a greater good. I am ridding the world of a disgusting animal, actually this is an insult to the animal kingdom. But, I have faith God will understand and forgive me. After all, this is His idea.
2. I will get to the park before people start arriving so I can watch for him. Even though it has been a long time since I’ve seen his beady eyes and curly red hair, I am sure God will reveal him to me.
3. I will conceal the hunting knife in the long sleeve of my blouse as I walk up to him and reintroduce myself. I can’t wait to see the curtain of recognition open in his eyes.
4. When I am satisfied that he remembers me, in front of his family and friends, I will publicly charge him with his crimes against me and my sister . His relatives should know they share DNA with this monster.
5. I will then pull out my knife and plunge it into his black heart. I have practiced this so many times in my mind. I know just where and how to do it. I know how much force it will take to penetrate the bony chest wall, past the ribs. I know how it will feel when his venomous blood spews out, wasted on the sidewalk. I want to see the light fade from his eyes. I want him to be afraid. I want him to beg forgiveness.
6. By this time, I assume, I will be restrained by onlookers and if not, I will simply walk next door to City Hall and turn myself in. It will be over. We will have been avenged.
I know there will be consequences to my actions and I am prepared to accept them. I will plead guilty and take God with me into prison. That’s why I know I will function well in an institutionalized environment. It’s all about being prepared. Maybe I’ll start a bible study while I am incarcerated, share my infinite wisdom.
Well, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, none of this came to pass. Not that I didn’t try. I did tell my husband the little white lie. I did take my knife to the park and watch for the arrival of the monster. But, while I was sitting there my husband pulled up and parked next to me. He said he had a “feeling” something wasn’t right. When he arrived at church he called home to check on me. When he didn’t get an answer he said he just knew where I was and what I was planning. I looked into his eyes and saw that he understood my pain. Being the man of God he is, he tells me I have to let it go, give it to God. I start to weep. I don’t know how to do this. He tells me what I already know deep in my heart, that is not my place to exact judgment or punishment on anyone. Only God has that right. I had taken all my guilt, fear and pain and wove them into the coincidences of finding Junior and convinced myself it was what God wanted for me. In reality, his family had been having those family reunions for years in that park. Broken and ashamed, I allow my husband to drive me home. Would this be considered a failure or success?
I was a new Christian when these events took place and it took me about three years of studying, devouring His Word before I took what I knew in my mind and truly applied it to my heart. Forgiveness has been one of the greatest struggles in my walk with God. I still have so much anger when I feel like my personal space is being invaded. But, God hasn’t given up on me, nor I, Him and I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying for guidance.
I have forgiven mama for making us live in hell and not protecting us. When my family finally decided to unburden themselves of their secrets, I discovered the secrets she had hidden about her own life, I knew she had actually done the best she could with us. She was sick and nobody helped her. I love her and pray she is in Heaven with our Father, waiting to hold me in loving arms I never knew here.
Surprisingly, forgiving Junior was not as hard as forgiving mama. I don’t know what secrets his childhood held that formed his character but, I know he was a sick, weak man. While my sins may not be considered as evil as his, by most, he deserves forgiveness, too.God says he will measure you by the way you measure others and I want Him to be gentle with me.
Like I said, and I hope nobody is offended by my analogy, I think I will function well in an “institutionalized environment”, imprisoned within the jasper walls of the golden city of Heaven, strolling the golden corridors, and sleeping in my own mansion, prepared just for me by my eternal Warden, my Father, My God.

Jesus Loves The Little Children....

It’s not important that I forget exact dates of some of the most life altering moments of my life. I can still look back to the event where I know without a doubt that God is real. I thought it was going to be just another weekend filled with alcohol and fights, like so many before. A weekend of mama and the monster getting drunk and pounding on each other and she pounding on me. In my minds eye I can still see the dumpy little back alley basement apartment right outside of Chicago we called home. It was small and cramped and offered very little in the way of escape when the fights would begin. On this particular night, mama, my little sister and me were sitting at the kitchen table. Mama was peeling and dicing potatoes. My baby sister, Anne, was sitting on the edge of the table eating white bread spread with butter and sprinkled with sugar, her favorite. She is inappropriately dressed for the middle of winter, with a blizzard on the way, in a tee and underwear. I can recall so clearly how they looked on this night. Anne, so tiny for a three year old, barely twenty pounds. Her hair has yet to be combed even though it is after five in the evening. Her big doe brown eyes showing no hint of awareness of the drama to come. Mama has already started drinking, preparing herself for what she knows is inevitable….the monster’s arrival. She was once a beautiful woman, I’ve seen pictures. Now she looks so tired and old even though she is only 32. Her once straight nose bent and bumpy from the many times its been broken. Her once vibrant green eyes and creamy complexion dulled and marred from the years of drug, alcohol and physical abuse. Her long black hair arranged to hide the shiny bald spots acquired when she was dragged through the house by the monster in a recent drunken brawl. But, what I recall most are her hands. They are hands that inflict pain. Hands I try to avoid. So, I am sitting at the table watching her peel those potatoes when the monster comes through the door, followed by the stench of alcohol and stale cigarettes. He has spent the hours between getting off work and the present at the corner tavern. Now that I am an adult I realize he wasn’t a big man. But, as a child he appeared to be a giant. A huge, loud, scary, red haired monster who lived to torture and terrorize his wife and step children. On this night he stumbles in throwing out insults and threats to mama. She sits there in silence, peeling. This angers the monster even more. He opens the refrigerator and takes a can of beer, we may not have had much food but we always had beer. He pops the top and takes a long pull throwing out another insult. No reaction from his target. He steps towards her raising his beer and swings at her head. The rim of the can catches her across the brow, she grasps the edge of the table to keep herself from tumbling out of the chair. The knife falls into the bowl of diced potatoes followed by a spray of bright red blood. I have snatched Anne off the table, trying to be very small and unnoticeable. We stare as the monster stumbles in to the living room to pass out on the couch. We watch mama, trying to take cues as to what to do. Is it time to run? Mama never utters a word, she gets up and puts water on the stove to boil. She sits back down, picks up the knife and continues to peel potatoes. The blood is pouring from the cut into her eye, she occasionally wipes it away with the back of her hand, dripping it into the potatoes I am now hoping she won’t feed us. It is so quiet now. And silence scares me. I watch her every move as she gets up from the table to take the pot of boiling water from the stove. But, instead of putting the potatoes in the water, she walks the short distance to the living room where the monster is sleeping on the couch and tosses the entire pot on his head and chest. Time goes into slow motion. The monster propels off the couch, stumbling into the rickety table holding the television, knocking it to the floor. He is bawling in pain and rage. His blistered skin bubbling and peeling. Mama has turned to run out the door at the same time I have grabbed Anne’s small hand dragging her into the knee deep snow drifts in the alley. We must get away from the raging bull. Mama runs to the right and I take Anne with me to the left. The monster is now lurching down the alley after mama, and he has the bloody potato knife in his hand. I see him descend on her like an animal in the wild capturing it’s prey. I cannot watch and I don’t want Anne to see the horror that I am sure is about to occur. My only thought is to get to safety. Safety will be at my aunt Olive’s house just one street over. We just have to make it there and everything will be ok. Anne is starting to shiver from the cold wet snow and razor sharp wind assaulting her small improperly clothed body. I, at least, had on pants and shoes, offering me more protection from the harsh elements. After what seemed like hours of trudging we make it to Olive’s. I pound on the door, praying she hasn’t gone to bed, it’s still early. No answer! Where is she? I need her! We need her! It has always been understood that in the event of an emergency, I am to get Anne and come to her house, no where else. What do I do now? I start to panic. But, I can’t, I have to be strong for Anne. I am all she has. I am only eight years old but survival instincts kick in and I know the first thing I have to do is get shelter. We are standing on the front stairs and I realize there is a space under them, just enough room for two little bodies to hide. I pull away the snow that has drifted into the opening and push Anne into the dark void. The dirt under there is surprisingly dry and soft, not frozen like everything else this time of year and in these conditions. I have to protect Anne’s shivering body and provide her with warmth. I dig a hole in the soft earth and place Anne in the hole. I sit behind her, wrapping my arms and legs around her little body. She is so good, so knowing. She is only three and throughout the whole nightmare she has not cried or complained and she just seems to know to be quiet so we won’t be found. We now have protection from the snow and wind. My mind drifts to what is happening one street over. Where is mama? Did he kill her? Is he coming after us? Did I just see someone walking up the street or is it just the eerie shadows being cast by the street lights? Will the aunt come home before the monster finds us? It is so quiet. Before long, we both fall asleep. But the reprieve doesn’t last long. I hear footsteps crunching in the ice covered by the soft snow. All of my senses are acutely alive. The shadows are now moving up the street towards our shelter. It is the monster! He has found us. He appears to have sobered either from the pain or the cold because his walk is steady and purposeful as heads our way. He climbs the stairs and knocks on the door. Just inches from our heads, I fear he will see or hear us breathing, I bury my face in Anne’s soft baby fine hair. The monster descends the stairs and walks back into the shadows of the night. Relief floods my soul. We still have a chance. But, where is mama? Why was it the monster that came looking for us? Once again, we fall into exhausted slumber only to be awakened an indeterminate amount of time later by the arrival of Olive. She and my uncle had been out for the evening and it took several hours to make it home due to the blizzard. Watching my aunt’s reaction as we climbed from under her front stairs like troll’s under a bridge would’ve been hilarious if the situation hadn’t been so tragic. It was now midnight. We had been out in the elements for almost six hours. Anne, in just underwear and a tee. Me, luckily with at least shoes and pants. How was this possible? Of course, I didn’t know it then but I now know it was the divine power of God Himself orchestrating our survival. He sent His Son to wrap us in His warm loving arms, protecting us from the blizzard. He sent His Holy Spirit to calm and comfort us with peace that allowed us to slumber through most of the ordeal. You may be wondering what happened to mama and the monster. Well, when he was chasing her down the alley he was slashing at her back with the bloody potato knife, luckily causing just superficial wounds. When they fell to the ground he lost the knife. He beat her with his fists, breaking her nose (again), her eye socket and jaw. He choked her, bruising her trachea. The only thing that saved her was the neighbors that heard her screams called the police. The monster fled into the night when he heard the sirens. He walked around the neighborhood for hours before he was finally picked up by the police and taken to jail. Mama was in the hospital for two weeks. When asked to press charges against the monster, she refused. I think he received probation….like so many times before. I just know that when she came home from the hospital, he came home from jail. She stayed with him four more years, until her death in 1969. I asked her one time, after a particularly brutal beating, why? Why don‘t we leave? She looked at me through the only eye she could see out of, with blood trickling from her broken nose and busted lips and said, “Because I love him”.

All Is Forgiven

Could I Walk A Mile In Her Shoes
Mama tells me not to say anything to anybody about what is happening at home. Come morning, I wake up from my restless sleep and I try to get it set in my mind what the day may bring. I feel more at ease when I am prepared. I find one of the two dresses I own and get dressed. I try to be as quiet as I can because it is not good to draw attention to yourself at my house. I brush my teeth and stare at the reflection. The eyes have a desperate look today like most days. The white paste and saliva drip onto my dress front. Panic sets in. This is just the catalyst to set mama off on a tirade. She will remind me, in her physical way, how she toils to clean my clothes and what a chore it is to take care of such an ungrateful child. I am sure this is how I will earn the day’s first slap. I am not a successful kid. I am ugly and immature, mama says so. I am too much trouble, always in the way. I am reminded daily how stupid I am because at six years old, I still cannot tie my own shoes. With trepidation I wait. Wait for her to help. Mama is taking care of my small sister right now. So I wait patiently, trying to gauge her mood. She sighs and places the baby on the bed. She steps towards me and out of learned instinct, I recoil. I don't know how mad I have made her. I am not sure what it's going to be this time. Sometimes she just complains as she ties the laces, in one smooth motion I envy. But, this time she pinches me. And we are both silent as the pale skin on my forearm acquires shades of red, blue and deep purple. She doesn't have to tell me to roll down my sleeves. I just know to do it, this isn‘t my first pinch. The dirty laundry of this family stays at home. Our secrets are ours and no one else's. Sometimes I imagine us like a fortress with walls nobody can breech. Nobody leaves and nobody enters. We must protect each other. Our secrets. Today mama cleans the house. I withdraw to a corner making sure to stay out of the way, trying to be invisible. In the safety of my imagination. I envision a mighty army, coming from the distance, with guns blasting to kill the demons that live at this evil house. And I see my hero coming on a white horse, surrounded by a bright blinding halo of light, wielding a sword that will behead my tormentors. Just for me. To save me.
I am shaken from my daydream just as he is about to cross the threshold. ‘What? What did you say?” Oh no, mama has asked me something but I didn‘t hear. Cooped up in my corner, I cannot escape the slap I receive for not listening to her. Through my silent tears I retrieve the mop she asked for and I watch as she scrubs away the revolting filth I bring into the house. Why am I so repulsive?
After a while, she lays the baby on a tattered blanket spread on the floor and turns on the radio. We sit on the pallet and listen to a sad song of love gone wrong. Mama talks about how different her life could’ve been if she had married for love instead of escape. She tells me how lucky I am to have the life I have and it is all I can do to keep the astounded look from my face. She gets this way sometimes, all sad and teary eyed.
She is shaken from her maudlin mood when Grandpa arrives help put down a new linoleum rug on the living room floor. I like grandpa, he always hugs me and lets me sit on his lap. I want to tell him our secrets but even as stupid as I am I know it would be a mistake.
I stay out of the way as they wrestle our old brown sectional into another room. Grandpa asks mama to get him a glass of sweet tea from the kitchen, the tea I am never allowed to have no matter how hot the day. “Why would we waste sugar on somebody as ungrateful as you,” she says. While mama has left the room, I bravely step up to grandpa and ask if I can help him roll out the new rug, anxious to be included. He tells me he’d love to have my help. He tells me to stand in front of him and bend over. That way when I start to roll the rug it will be straight. I am thrilled to be helping and hoping mama will be pleased to see I am doing something good and not just in the way like I usually am. I so want to help.
As I am bent over, grandpa does the strangest thing. He bends down and whispers in my ear to be very quiet. He tells me he is going to show me how much he loves me and to thank me for being such a good helper. I am so happy. He loves me! He slides his big hand, calloused from years of working at the lumber mill, into the back of my panties and starts to rub and probe. I don’t understand why he thinks this is showing love because it hurts. It doesn’t hurt like when mama whips me with the belt or switch. And it doesn’t hurt like being slapped or pinched. It hurts because his hand is too big, too rough, too scary. Panic starts to set in and I think it is because I know mama will be so mad if she finds out much grandpa loves me. When I hear mama coming in from the kitchen I get so scared I start crying. Just as she walks into the living room grandpa straightens up and tells her I was trying to help. Surely, he sees the fury in her eyes. I run to the safety of the closet I call I call my bedroom. I know she is coming. What was I thinking! Who do I think I am! How many times does she have to tell me to stay out of the way! What will she bring with her to mete out the punishment I know I deserve? This is always the scariest part, not knowing when or what or how.
Even though it seems like hours of waiting I am sure it was only minutes. Grandpa has gone by now. I doubt even he could save me if he were still here, I don’t allow myself to entertain the idea. Mama comes into the room quietly and that really throws me off. I don’t expect calm. Calm scares me more than anything. Calm is too unpredictable. She tells me she wants me to tell her the truth about what grandpa was doing. By now I am hiccupping tears and she slaps me telling me to calm down so she can understand me. I take a deep breath and retreat into the safe place in my mind, the overused niche where I find comfort and safety. The place where my mind disconnects with reality. I tell mama I only wanted to help grandpa, I didn’t mean to get in the way. I tell her I know I wasn’t bothering grandpa because he loves me, he was showing me how much when she walked in. I don’t know what made her the angriest, that I had done something without her permission or that I had the audacity to say somebody loves me. Her whole being morphed into something I had never before witnessed and believe me I had seen her at her monstrous worst. Her eyes, which are a vibrant green, turned black and cold. Her lips peeled back to bare her teeth in a grimace, like a coyote with its prey. And that is what I felt like at that moment…prey. She had a switch, one of those long limber ones that will wrap around you like a whip. She never said a word as she beat me with her fists and switch. I lay fetal, accepting the punishment I knew I deserved. This was the worst beating I had ever had but it didn’t compare to the words she said to me after she had exhausted herself. She told me “don’t you ever tell anybody about this and don’t ever let grandpa touch you again, you brought this on yourself”. I knew it was my fault. She then took me into the bathroom, placed me in the tub and poured alcohol over the open bleeding wounds. I never shed a tear through that whole process. It didn’t matter how much it burned my raw flesh. The pain in my soul from being blamed for being loved hurt more than any whipping I could get. This was different from being blamed for bringing dirt into the house or drooling toothpaste onto my dress. This was proof that I cannot be loved. Will not be loved. I did not deserve to be loved.
I was six and I never shed a tear for her again, no matter how hard she hit me. She could bruise my body but she couldn’t batter my heart. I kept that place locked tight. Over the next six years there were hundreds of beatings and harsh words, many lessons learned. There was more sexual abuse, although not from my grandpa. I stayed away from him just as I was told. I believe a pervert or pedophile can sense when they are in the presence of a child that won’t tell. Over time I developed a keen sense of insight into who I could trust and who I could not. But, mama instilled in me a perception about life it took years to conquer…never tell.
Mama died when I was twelve. She died in a house fire… the second one. In 1967 she was having an affair with her boss at his house when it caught fire, killing him and horribly scarring and crippling her. In 1969 she was drunk and fell asleep in bed while smoking. She lived for two weeks before succumbing to pneumonia. Her body was once again charred and twisted. I heard so many people say she was disfigured beyond recognition. Oh, but I recognized her. I saw that her outside finally matched her monstrous, cruel inside.
Her wake was held at a relative’s house, that is the way it was done in those days. All the family was there and all the kids were out in the yard playing. Tiring of being inside with the adults who were mourning the loss of “such a sweet lost soul,” I went out to play with the kids. My great aunt, who thought I was being disrespectful to a wonderful woman’s memory, whipped me and dragged me into the living room and made me sit by mama’s coffin. She was laid out in front of the big picture window. The ugly green drapes were closed but a sliver of sunlight peeped through, shining on mama’s scarred face. Somebody had dressed her in a lavender dress with lace ruffles on the collar and cuffs. Her hands were folded one over the other on her stomach. The longer I stared, taking inventory, the more I started to question if she were really dead. I watched mama for so long I could see her eyes moving under her lids. I saw her lips quiver and when I saw her hand twitch, I involuntarily flinched, sure she was going to hit me. I drew courage from the pit of my soul and silently dared her to raise a hand to me. In reality, I accepted that she was dead and would never be able to reach out from the grave and hurt me anymore. I made a promise to myself and Mama, that nobody would ever put their hands on me ever again. I was so toughened and jaded by the time I was twelve and sitting beside my mama’s coffin that I knew I would survive this life. I remember looking at her pancaked face, daring her to look at me, and telling her thank you for the lessons I learned at her hard, cruel hand and yes, I’m glad she’s dead!

This was written before I became a Christian and learned the great lesson of forgiveness. Before I bothered to find out anything about my mother’s life. Before I learned to ask myself if I could’ve walked in her shoes. I guess I was lucky after all.
There are no excuses. But, there are reasons. And I have forgiven.